10 Things Every New Widow Needs To Know
There’s a question that I try to ask every one of my guests on Widow 180: The Podcast and that question is:
What’s one piece of advice you can give to new widows?
Here’s a list of the Top Ten answers I’ve found to be the most helpful!
1. Be kind to yourself! You’re doing the best you can. This grief thing doesn’t come with instructions! Take each day one step at a time. One day at a time. If you got out of bed, great! If you brushed your teeth, even better. Each day strive to do more. To not stay stuck.
2. Practice self-care regularly! Think about what you love to do AND DO IT! Wanna go for a walk today? Or do something lavish, like a spa day? Do it! Remember, you cannot pour from your cup if it is empty. You are not selfish for wanting space and time to reflect and process. Repeat that to yourself! Say, “I am not selfish if I need some space!”
3. The pain that you’re feeling is temporary. I know it doesn’t feel like it will ever go away. But it does eventually subside. Good days will start to sneak in between the bad days. Notice that. Acknowledge the good days. Be thankful for them. And know that you are capable of feeling okay again.
4. You’re never “over” it so don’t let anyone tell you that you should be. And if anyone does try to tell you that you should be “over it” by now (however long it’s been!), you have every right to turn around and just walk away from the people in your life who don’t get it. Then DM me and vent about it! I’m totally here for it! Listen, you grieve in your own time at your own pace, however long that takes you. You have your own timeline.
5. Find HEALTHY ways to cope. Don’t drink. Don’t do drugs. Don’t try to temporarily numb your pain because when that grief you’ve been suppressing does creep back in (which it always will) you will still have to face it head on. Don’t bury it by putting harmful things in your body.
6. It’s okay to be happy and laugh and smile. Don’t feel guilty for trying to live your life to the fullest. You are still alive with so many things to look forward to.
7. Don’t date before you are comfortable being alone first! Don’t jump into a relationship just because you don’t want to be alone. Figure out who you are again. Rediscover the new you. Rebuild yourself so that you’re putting your best self forward when you do decide to date again.
8. I heard this analogy about becoming a widow. It’s like being a part of a two-horse team pulling a cart. Think of the strength behind that. Behind the power of two working together. You’re a team and there’s strength in numbers. And now there’s only one horse pulling the same cart, trying to do the same amount of work – alone. Things take longer to get done. Some things may not get done at all. You are ONE PERSON. You can only do so much. Be patient with yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
9. Choose joy! In everything and in every aspect of our lives, we have a choice. WE decide how we respond to life circumstances. Your happiness depends on you and you alone! You can choose to get up and get out of bed – or not. You can choose to smile – or not! Choose joy! Always choose joy!
10. What I have found such comfort in is that I can ALWAYS go back in my head and my heart and FEEL that love that I had with my late husband. It’s ALWAYS there. That love NEVER goes away. Ever. It’s like a little gift, a reminder in my back pocket that I can pull out anytime I need to feel some extra comfort.
So, try this exercise now. Close your eyes and picture your spouse, at a happy time, when they’re smiling and laughing, when you two were together, when you felt the closest to them. Remember their smile. Play back their laugh in your head so you can hear it. Then put your hand on your heart and feel that love. Take a deep breath and know that they’re still there.
That’s my top ten! If you have any more you want to add to this list, I would LOVE to hear from you!
Any advice you want to give to new widows?
Let me know!
DM me on IG @widow180
or
email me jen@widow180.com
or
join our FB group at
Widow 180 Community.
Other blog posts you may like:
https://www.widow180.com/resources/support
To Be Or Not To Be…A “Widow” On Your Dating Profile?
To Be Or Not To Be…A “Widow” On Your Profile?
This is a question that often comes up when faced with the dreaded “Status” question whether it’s on a dating app, a dating website, or even on Facebook.
Should you put “widow”?
Should you put “single”?
What’s the right answer here?
The answer is WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE.
I know, that’s a very general, safe, blah answer, but it’s the truth!
Sorry.
I will say this, though. Some people will say they’re “single”, some will say “widowed”, but you don’t have to define yourself in any way if you don’t want to.
If you choose to omit “widow”, it’s okay! It’s not that you’re trying to intentionally hide information from anyone, you’re just not leading with that information. Yes, your husband was a huge part of your life and your story. That will all eventually come to the surface in conversation and as you get to know the other person.
Your profile is meant to showcase you and your personality, your likes and your dislikes. Your profile is not meant to shine a light on your past.
If you’re on an app that has a drop-down menu only and you have to choose an option, you can always put “single” if you feel more comfortable with that.
But, then maybe you feel pressured to put “widow” because if you don’t then it’s not honoring your late husband and the life you had together. And you feel more guilt because of it.
Well, crap.
That’s a very valid thought, too!
So?
To be a “widow” or not? I have interviewed so many remarkable women on Widow 180: The Podcast and when I’ve asked this question to my guests, it seems the decision is a 50/50 split between “yes” and “no”.
Consider this:
There are 2 reasons why you may want to stay away from using the word “widow”.
1. Sometimes, but not always, a guy will see the word “widow” and assume A LOT of things because of it. They may think you’re needy and you want someone to come and rescue you.
Or you want someone to financially support you.
Or they don’t want to be constantly compared to your late husband. They automatically feel inferior in some way.
They’re making judgments about you before they even meet you. They’ll never know what a kind, loving, caring, vibrant, hilarious, kick-ass lady (or man) you are! You’re a catch, dammit! Just because of the word….widow.
All assumptions of course, but these things can happen.
2. On the flip side of that, a guy may see the word “widow” and assume you have a ton of money. Piles and piles of money with plenty to spare (and have stolen)! Unfortunately, this world is full of opportunistic men (and women!) who prey on widows and try to manipulate them out of money. Don’t let them.
Widow or not? In the end, the choice is yours, of course!
Do what you feel in your heart. Do what makes you comfortable. Make wise choices. Watch out for bad guys. Stay safe, please.
I would LOVE to hear your opinion on this topic!
What “status” do you put on your profile? And why?
Please email me: Jen@widow180.com
Or
Message me on Facebook: Widow 180 Community with Jen Zwinck
Other blog posts on dating:
www.widow180.com/resources/profilepictures
www.widow180.com/resources/datingagain
Not sure if you’re ready to start dating? Take our quiz!
https://widow180.ck.page/datingquiz
Need some extra dating help?
We have the #1 Dating Course For Widows And Widowers Looking To Find Love Again After Loss?
This is a truly unique, self-paced online course to help you with the ins and outs of modern dating! I encourage you to take a look! Click here for details:
https://www.widow180.com/courses
Dating Profile Pictures For Widows: The Do’s And Don’ts of What To Post!
CHOOSE THE RIGHT PHOTOS!
1. Do present photos that accurately represent yourself TODAY! It’s so tempting to post pictures from 10+ years ago, before you had some wrinkles, before you put on those 15 pounds. But, let’s not be misleading. Be authentic. Post recent pictures. Post current pictures of what you look like in real life.
2. Don’t post a picture of yourself from last year when you decided to go brunette for 2 months, if you are a blonde today! If you normally don’t wear a lot of makeup, don’t post a picture of you wearing a ton of lipstick and fake eyelashes!
3. Do smile! This is, hands down, the most attractive version of yourself! Leave the I’m-swimming-in-deep-dark-emotions picture for something else. Smile! Be natural. A warm, welcoming smile is all you need.
4. Don’t post yourself making weird faces. Not overly excited. If there are veins popping out of your forehead in the picture, skip it! Don’t post pictures of you eating food (mid-bite = not attractive). And, for the love of God, don’t post anything vulgar or offensive. No flipping-the-middle-finger pictures because you think it makes you look like a bad-ass. Nothing along those lines, please. Remember, you’re trying to attract decent people into your life, therefore YOU need to look decent.
5. Do post several pictures.
~One full-body photo (preferably standing)
~One photo doing something you love
~One close-up of your face
~One with your friends
~One with your kids (if you have any) and family/pets
6. Don’t post a picture of you doing something because you think other people would like it. For example, don’t post a picture of you on a beach if you hate the beach. Don’t post a picture of you cuddling puppies if you hate puppies. (If you really hate puppies, then, c’mon, shame on you!)
7. Don’t post a picture of you with your late husband. Not even one picture. Yes, he was a very important part of your story and your life. But, the point of being on a dating site is to move forward and seek happiness again and to open yourself to new love and companionship. Move forward. Don’t post those pictures from the past.
It’s so important to make a good first impression with your profile pictures! The pictures are the gateway to get to know you. Follow these Do’s and Don’ts and you’re well on your way into the exciting world of online dating! Have fun with it!
Still trying to figure out what to put in your profile??
We have put together a:
WIDOW’S CHECKLIST FOR WRITING AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE (THAT ACTUALLY WORKS!)
Go to:
https://widow180.ck.page/profile-checklist
Need some extra dating help?
We have the #1 Dating Course For Widows And Widowers Looking To Find Love Again After Loss?
This is a truly unique, self-paced online course to help you with the ins and outs of modern dating! I encourage you to take a look! Click here for details:
https://www.widow180.com/courses
And for other dating tips and advice, join our Facebook Group at:
Widow 180 Community with Jen Zwinck
Other blog posts on dating…
https://www.widow180.com/resources/datingmistakes
https://www.widow180.com/resources/datingagain
The 4 Biggest Dating Mistakes Widows Make (And How To Avoid Them!)
Mistake Number 1:
Thinking everyone will be supportive of you dating again.
“But, Jen” you say “everyone wants to see me be happy again, don’t they? This can’t be true!”
I’m so sorry to be such a downer, but the people in your life will not always agree with your choices.
Everyone has a different idea about timelines when it comes to dating again. Some family may tell you to wait a year. Or five years. Or whatever amount of time they deem necessary.
There is no right answer here.
It’s completely and totally up to you and how you feel.
That being said, your in-laws may not agree on your timeline. They are grieving the loss of a son, which is a different grief from the loss of a husband. They can never replace their son. And they may not want you to “replace” him for another man in your life. They may look at it as a betrayal to him.
Sometimes, it’s your children who don’t want you to move forward.
They may be processing their grief at a different pace. They’re missing their dad. They need you and your attention. And they’re trying to figure out their new life without their dad in it. Then if you start dating, that just rocks their world even more. Their emotions, many times, come out as anger, when really they’re just sad.
Annie, a widow of two years, said “I’ve recently started dating a guy and he is fantastic. I can definitely see this going somewhere. I have 2 teenagers who “tolerate” me dating but they get jealous of the time I spend with him. They go so far as to come up with “emergencies” when we’re out so I have to go home. They keep telling me to break up with him. I give my kids everything. All of me. All of my attention, but I just want to be happy again and they won’t let me. I don’t want to pick sides, but I want a life for me too and a future with someone.”
It’s a delicate dance between parenting and having your own life.
Mistake Number 2:
You think you’ll meet another widow/widower and they will understand you completely and they “Get It” and you fall in love and all will be peachy forever and ever
I’m not saying they’re not out there, but most of the time you will not be dating a fellow widow/ widower.
The dating pool is mostly full of divorced people.
And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, of course!
But, for whatever reason, their relationship ended. It’s not always amicable. It can be messy and uncomfortable. Maybe there’s resentment and bitterness that gets brought up in conversation with your date. There are custody disputes, money arguments, sometimes ongoing challenges involving kids (if they are still at home and split time between parents).
We’re not used to this.
As widows, we didn’t choose to end our relationship. Our spouse was taken from us. Our love for them was there until the very end and still continues throughout our lives.
Any new guy that comes into your life needs to be okay with knowing that.
There’s no reason for them to be jealous of that love. There’s no reason for them to feel insecure about themselves. Or to feel like they could never measure up to your late husband.
This is, unfortunately, something you may encounter from a man who has never dated a widow before.
They may not understand why you still visit the cemetery sometimes. They may not understand why you commemorate the anniversary of his death. They may not understand why you keep your wedding movies and photo albums. They may ask you to stop. Or get rid of those movies.
Then you have to ask yourself “Are these things I would be willing to change for a new guy?”
Relationships are always about compromise and give-and-take.
What you need to remember, and this is key, is that you cannot control the way another person feels. You can’t control how they react to things.
You can try to explain things to them and have an open conversation about it, but they won’t always understand the dynamics of your grief.
In my Widow 180 :The Podcast interview with Ashley Neumann, she told me “I did have one guy tell me that I was too close with my in-laws. He questioned why they were still such a big part of my life. He told me that it didn’t make sense that they were still in my life. I just didn’t go on another date with him. That was the end of that. Because that’s still my family even if my husband isn’t here.”
In my own experience, I have one story I can share. Doug and I had just started dating. He came over and we were in the living room watching a movie when I noticed on the wall, to the left of the TV, was a family portrait of Brent, Claire, and I. Then I glanced to the right and saw the other framed photo of Brent and Claire on the wall. I immediately thought “Well, this is probably not making Doug feel very comfortable right now.”
I then put myself in his shoes.
I thought that if I were sitting in house and HIS wife had passed away, I can’t say I would be very comfortable with their photos on the wall. I made the decision to move our family photos to Claire’s room. Not pack them away, but still have them accessible when we wanted to see them.
That was my choice.
Doug didn’t say anything to me about those pictures. He didn’t comment or ask me to move anything or pressure me to take them down. I felt ready. I chose to take that step.
Some things you may be willing to compromise. Some things are deal-breakers.
But, you never want to change who you are or what you believe in JUST because you want to date somebody.
Mistake Number 3:
Jumping into another relationship too soon
I’m just going to come right out and ask you this…
Are you dating someone to avoid being sad? Did you jump right into another relationship because you’re trying to have some sort of distraction from feeling the sadness and loneliness of your loss?
This is an easy trap to fall into.
You are lonely. You are sad. You are hurting so
I’m telling you. The initial shock phase, survival mode phase, get-your-bearings-cuz-your-world-has-been-rocked phase of grief is NOT a good phase to start a new relationship with someone.
You don’t feel like you. You don’t know who you are anymore. You might be searching to find out who you are and what your place is in the world and what your role is going to be now.
You’re not going to find out who is the “real you” from dating a random stranger.
Now is not the time to introduce a new guy into your life, when you don’t even know what that new life consists of.
When you jump into dating, you might start to make the wrong choices. You might allow a new person into your life just to fill that void, to fill that emptiness, to fill the loneliness. You might allow certain disagreeable, unhealthy behavior to continue with this new person JUST because you don’t want to be alone.
What do I mean?
I mean, maybe you let him talk down to you or try to control you or even manipulate you in some way. He may feel like he has the upper hand because you’re acting so desperate to have someone in your life. He might try to get away with pushing limits and boundaries with you.
Why? Because you’re allowing it.
Why? Because without said new guy you will be alone with your thoughts and your grief.
Here’s my advice: Be alone with your thoughts and your grief.
Feel all the feelings.
Think all the thoughts.
You are on shaky ground and you need to steady yourself again.
You have to grieve. You just do.
As fellow widow and grief facilitator, Jenna Lebron says “Make sure you go through your grief. You cannot go around the storm. You can’t avoid it. Don’t push your grief under the rug. It’s painful. It sucks. You have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow. And I’m grateful I walked through the storm because that rainbow is peeking out right now. I’m still here.”
Take the time to figure yourself out again. Be patient with yourself. It can take a while to re-establish your identity. But it’s worth the time and the effort to process all that you have been through.
Laurice Duffy, life coach, says in episode 10 of the podcast,” The only way out of the pain is through the pain. And sitting with sadness. Allowing the feelings to happen is more important than the time that goes by.”
Once you’re in the right headspace, you will be in such a better place to be open to love again.
MISTAKE NUMBER 4:
Thinking you will never love again, so you don’t even try
I hear this one often from a lot of widows. They say they can’t possibly have a love like they had before with their late husband. And I don’t disagree with that. The love you had with your husband was one-of-a-kind. True.
However, you have the capacity to love again. And that love with a different person is, well, different. It’s unique in it’s own right.
A new person that comes into your life has their own personality, demeanor, sense of humor, all of the things that make them unique and all of the things that you love about THAT person. So, the love is different. Yes. But it’s still love.
I heard an analogy not too long ago that compared this to when you have a baby. And you fall in love with that baby and its beauty and its smile and its chubby cheeks or whatever. If you were blessed to have another baby, you don’t love that baby any less. At all. You love each child, each person, individually and differently. But you love both with all your heart. You don’t split your heart apart, you keep filling it with that love.
When I think of this I think about my interview with Autumn Toelle-Jackson from Episode 19 of widow 180: the podcast. She talks about a phone conversation she had with her mother-in-law about dating again. At first, her mother-in-law was not supportive at all of Autumn being in a new relationship. Within a couple of weeks, she thought about it and not only accepted Autumn’s new boyfriend but welcomed him into their lives. She told him, “There is always room for more love.”
Autumn says, “There’s been love and loss before and it doesn’t take away from what’s coming. But it’s part of the story and you can’t pretend that part of the story doesn’t exist. You can embrace it and love it and honor it and still move forward with wonderful things.”
So, the thing you need to understand, is that it is perfectly possible to love again and to have all of that love in your heart.
You don’t push one aside to make room for another. It simply doesn’t work that way.
If you’re struggling with the whole idea of dating again and finding it to be, well, overwhelming, I want to help!
Not sure you’re ready to date?
Take this quiz to find out!
https://widow180.ck.page/dating-quiz
Need some extra dating help?
We have the #1 Dating Course For Widows And Widowers Looking To Find Love Again After Loss?
This is a truly unique, self-paced online course to help you with the ins and outs of modern dating! I encourage you to take a look! Click here for details: https://www.widow180.com/courses
Also, JOIN OUR FACEBOOK GROUP! https://www.facebook.com/groups/312036956454927
Other dating blog posts you may be interested in:
Dating Again After Loss - What To Think About Before You Get Back Out There! Check out the post here: https://www.widow180.com/resources/datingagain
Widow 180: The Podcast Episode 30 - Dating Again! Advice and Tips from Ashley Neumann and Jamie Hattier
Listen to the podcast here!
Join us on Facebook at Widow 180 Community!
Dating Again After Loss - What To Think About Before You Get Back Out There!
Do you think you might want to start dating again?
Not quite sure you’re ready to dive into it?
I know. I know.
There are so many questions and so many emotions to deal with when it comes to dating again after losing a spouse.
Maybe you haven’t dated in 20 years!
Maybe your husband was the first person and only person you ever dated!
It’s a different world now. You’ve grown. You’ve changed. Dating has changed.
Here are some things to consider:
1. Start with your WHY!
Before we get any further into the topic, let’s start with the reason WHY you want to date in the first place. Why do you want to start dating? What is the deep down feeling inside of you that is driving you to want to date? I want you to think about it. I mean, REALLY think about it. And, more importantly, be honest with yourself. Do you want to just find a companion for events? Do you just want physical intimacy with someone and no strings attached? Do you want to get into a serious relationship, but aren’t open to marrying again? Are you looking for something really serious and want to get married again? Are you thinking your kids really need a father figure in their lives, so you need someone to fill that role?
Having a clear answer to your WHY will give you a good starting point.
It can also take the pressure off if you’re feeling stressed and nervous about the whole idea of it.
Which, let’s face it, that’s completely normal to feel that way!
2. What are your priorities in your life right now?
Do you have young children still at home? Are you working full time? Do you have available childcare help?
You need to consider the time and energy involved in dating and realize that now might not be the best time for it.
I know all of the logistics sound like a bummer, but dating takes effort!
If your son just signed up for the soccer team, know that every single Saturday for the next 3 months you will be at those games.
As a solo mom, your plate is full! You have the kids, a job, the house, hopefully a little “me-time” in there, the juggling of all of it.
Dating at this stage in life requires time flexibility and lots of understanding and patience.
3. Are you wondering “How in the world am I going to meet a nice guy?”
You have options!
If and when you’re ready, let your friends and family know you’d like to start dating again! Ask them if they have any single friends. Or friends with friends. Or single cousins. You get the picture! Just get the word out there and you may be surprised how many dates you get!
Be brave. Be bold. Put yourself out in the world. Go to restaurants. Join an athletic club. Be out there and available. Be approachable.
So, I know this can prove to be challenging right now due to the COVID pandemic. But, hopefully, life gets back to normal soon and we can start being social beings again.
In my interview on Widow 180: The Podcast (Episode 30), guest Ashley Neumann says “I just feel like meeting someone organically as opposed to through a dating app is better.”
In that same interview, guest Jamie Hattier says “I’ve just gotten into dating apps in the last 18 months or so. I prefer Bumble and Hinge. I wouldn’t recommend the Facebook dating app. I didn’t like that one. Bumble works for me because you have all the control. It’s the female who makes the initial contact. Hinge seems to have more professionals on it. That’s a good one.”
What about online dating?
In Episode 6 of Widow 180: The Podcast, guest Michelle Hensley talks about her experience using Match.com. She recommends Match.com for two reasons:
1. It’s a reasonable cost. Some of the other sites are expensive.
2. They’ve done a really good job updating and organizing their site.
Michelle was a little reluctant to try online dating, but shortly after signing up she met a wonderful man. He proposed eight months later!
Are you still on the fence about this whole dating thing?
I get it!
It’s scary to put yourself out there and be vulnerable again.
If you’re still questioning whether you’re ready to date, you can take our quiz to find out! Answer these few questions to see if now is the right time for you!
Go to https://widow180.ck.page/datingquiz Need some extra dating help?
We have the #1 Dating Course For Widows And Widowers Looking To Find Love Again After Loss?
This is a truly unique, self-paced online course to help you with the ins and outs of modern dating! I encourage you to take a look! Click here for details:
https://www.widow180.com/courses
Click below to listen to the podcast!
Join in on the dating discussions on our Facebook group Widow 180 Community with Jen Zwinck!
.
One Thing You Can Do In 2021 To Be Happier
2021 is here!
What are you plans for this new year? Have you thought at all about what you want? Or what you want to change? Or how you can improve in some way? How can we be happier?
This last question is the one that comes up the most. How can we be happy?
I believe your happiness starts with YOU, of course.
Here is 1 way we can all improve our level of satisfaction:
ASK BETTER QUESTIONS (AND MAKE BETTER STATEMENTS)
Let’s start with asking yourself a question: Who do I think I am?
They say the 2 most powerful words in the English language are “I am”. Whatever you put after that, however you finish that sentence, determines your destiny. You will become what you say. You will take actions based on how you define yourself. For example, let’s say you want to quit smoking. You started smoking again after your husband passed away. It’s a way for you to handle stress. It’s a coping mechanism, and not a good one. It’s a crutch. If you say the words “I am a smoker” then you identify with those words. You are priming yourself for that bad behavior.
Let’s think of some statements we tend to make.
“I am unable to make decisions on my own.” We can easily change that to “I am capable of making the tough decisions.”
“I am” is an extremely powerful statement.
Jim Kwik, author of the bestselling book, Limitless, says “The highest drive that we have is to act consistently with how we perceive ourselves. It is one of the most powerful forces in the universe.”
We can also tell ourselves “I am not a victim.” Un-identifying with a title has the same effect.
The best news about all of this is, WE HAVE THE POWER to define ourselves.
So, who are you?
It’s not just a matter of questioning who we are or defining who we are.
As widows, we also tend to ask ourselves some ridiculously difficult questions that trap us in negative thought. But simply re-wording our questions can cause a complete shift in attitude.
For example, a question I used to get stuck on all the time was “How can I possibly do that?” or “How can I possibly do that by myself?”
Instead, we can change it to “How can I make that happen?”
Here’s another doozy:
“Why did this happen to me?”
We need to ask instead “What steps do I need to take to move forward?” or “What can I take away from this experience?” or “What lessons can I learn from this?'“
These new questions have us focusing on the future and not getting stuck in the past.
Here’s one more example of a question I used to ask myself all the time. It’s a question that, like most of my thoughts, was negative and limiting and chock full of self-doubt. This question gave me such a blow to my confidence, it literally left me paralyzed when it came to making decisions. The question was:
“Who am I to think that_________” (fill in the blank)
“Who am I to think that I can take my child on vacation by myself?” or “Who am I to think that I can fix the kitchen sink?” However I finished that sentence, it didn’t matter what it was, I was drowning in negative thought.
I had to put an end to the self-doubt. I stopped. Instead I would say “I’m the mom. I am THE BEST person to take my daughter to see the world.” And I would say “I am the owner of this house. I am THE BEST person to do this job and fix the sink.”
Easier said than done, you say? Try it! Change your words! Switch the questions! Point yourself in a more positive direction than the one you were going!
Other better questions to ask?
Let’s say, you’re faced with something that you’re questioning, like, you’ve been invited to your cousin’s wedding and you’re contemplating going. You feel bad saying no and skipping it. You’re also not in the best frame of mind to be surrounded by happy couples when your husband has passed away. Totally understandable dilemma, right?
Ask yourself these questions:
Is this giving me more energy?
Is it uplifting me?
Is it raising my spirits?
Is it fulfilling me?
If you can’t answer YES to these questions, then JUST SAY NO and don’t feel obligated to do something you feel iffy about.
For weekly tips and widow advice, sign up below to get our emails!
You can also join us on Facebook at Widow 180 Community!
Top 5 Tips For Surviving The Holidays
As widows, we sometimes can’t imagine how we’ll make it through the holiday season. We sometimes wish we could just avoid all of it and disappear until January! However, by preparing ahead of time, there are a few things we can do alleviate the overwhelm of the season. Here are some top tips on how to make it through!
Expect a multitude of feelings to show up!
Grief is tricky when it comes to emotions. We’re happy then sad then angry then scared then lonely, sometimes within minutes of each other! Sometimes at the same time! The key is to allow yourself to feel all of it. Don’t push it away or hide it. If you’re at a party and a song comes on and triggers a wave of sadness, cry. Others will understand. On the other hand, if you’re feeling joyful and merry and you find yourself smiling, LET YOURSELF be in the happiness. You may then find yourself feeling guilty. It’s not uncommon to feel like your happiness is a betrayal to your spouse. But experiencing joy does not mean you don’t love the person who died.
2. Keep what matters
You may find yourself wanting to avoid everyone and everything this year. You may want to consider simplifying your holiday traditions. Do what you are able to do and eliminate the pressure of what you used to do together. Keep what traditions you can and what you want to do. Make it easy on yourself. Maybe still have everyone over for dinner, but use paper plates instead of the fine china.
3. Start a new tradition
You can expect the holidays to be different without your loved one present. Be willing to start some new traditions and make some changes that reflect your life now. Maybe brainstorm some ideas with friends and family to find ways to honor your loved one. Did your husband like to hike? Maybe take the whole family for a hike in his honor.
4. Go shopping (or don’t!)
If the idea of a long shopping list overwhelms you, forget about it and buy everyone gift cards this year. Shop online if you feel like avoiding crowds. Buy the same thing for everyone on your list. If you can’t deal with any of it, share with your friends and family that you’re not up to gift-giving this year and ask that they honor this decision.
5. Take good care of yourself
Do what makes you happy. Treat yourself kindly this year (and every year!) Go for long walks, be in nature, pray, meditate, exercise, do yoga. Make time for yourself. Give yourself an awesome gift this year! You do you!
The holidays can be tough to get through. If you find yourself needing extra help and support during this time, please consider joining:
The Widow’s Holiday Survival Club 2020
What if you could get through this holiday season with a sense of peace in your heart and maybe even a smile on your face?
Come spend the holidays with me (and other widows) as we take this time of year to focus on what’s important for us.
Go to:
https://www.widow180.com/holidays
to register
What’s included in the Club:
1. A 90 minute workshop
2. Access to the private Facebook Community
3. Coaching from Jen and each other!
4. Spend 40 Days surrounded by other like-minded women who are here to support each other and uplift each other!
5. Zoom Calls/ Meetups to check in on each other during the 40 days
The Widow’s Holiday Survival Club 2020 dates:
Sunday November 22, 2020 – January 1, 2021
How much does it cost?
$47
Registration ends Sunday November 22, 2020
When you become a part of such an incredible community, you’ll walk away with a peace in your heart and a better understanding of your grief. But most important, you’ll walk away with friendship and hope!
It’s THE BEST Christmas gift you can give yourself this year!
An investment in your heart.
Register here:
You’re not alone!
Let’s get through this together!
The 4 Key Things You Need To Know About Forgiveness In Order To Forgive Someone
Forgiveness is considered to be a cardinal virtue, with the basis being that forgiveness is a deliberate, conscious decision to release feelings of vengeance or resentment toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether or not they actually deserve your forgiveness. It is the act of releasing anger and hurt so that we can experience what’s possible for others and ourselves.
When I read this definition, it makes perfect sense on paper.
But, actually getting there, to a place of TOTAL release of pain and anger, emotionally and mentally to your very core, can seem almost impossible for a person who has suffered, say, abuse or neglect or some other unimaginable horror.
Stephanie Mosley lost her husband, Rob after he was struck by a speeding pick-up truck going 55mph in a 25mph zone. Stephanie was interviewed by a reporter the day after the accident and told him “I don’t know what the situation was, what I do know is that my husband would not want me to carry a burden of hatred or anger towards him. So, I want you know that I forgive you. I forgive you for what you’ve done.”
How does a person who has every reason in the world to be angry, resentful, hurt, find it in themselves to forgive?
There are 4 KEY things we should all know about forgiveness in order to TRULY Be able to forgive someone:
1. Forgiving DOES NOT mean EXCUSING
By forgiving, we do not condone the behavior of the offender. We are, instead, ACCEPTING what happened.
Acceptance means acknowledging that we don’t have control over what happened in the past.
Choosing to let go of that desire and the need to control the past is key to taking control of your future.
2. Forgiveness IS NOT a feeling
People may have an expectation of how they will feel or how they are supposed to feel if they finally decide to forgive someone.
Most people who are struggling to forgive want so desperately to feel at peace in their heart, to feel a wave of calm come over them suddenly, or perhaps even a feeling of compassion towards the offender.
Not everyone feels the same way after they forgive someone.
How you feel or don’t feel emotionally is fundamentally out of your control. You CAN control your thoughts. You CAN control your actions, INCLUDING your decision to forgive in the first place. But how we feel is not something we can control.
3. Forgiving IS NOT a one – time choice
Forgiveness is a process. It is an ongoing, continuous habit.
You can decide in a single moment to CHOOSE to forgive someone, but that’s just the beginning.
You may have trauma from events that pop in your head periodically.
You may see the person/offender on a regular basis.
Forgiving may be something you need to work on, process, continue with every day.
4. Forgiving DOES NOT mean Forgetting
We’ve all heard the saying “you need to forgive and forget”.
While forgiving and forgetting is great in theory, in reality it’s extremely difficult.
Heck, it’s nonsense, really.
How could someone possibly FORGET being abused?
How could a person FORGET ANY serious wrong committed against them?
It’s simply not possible.
What we don’t want to do is dwell on what happened and rehash it regularly. Instead, we can acknowledge those memories and then choose to re-focus our attention elsewhere.
In other words, stop paying so much attention on those negative thoughts from the past and turn your attention to other thoughts.
You may not be able to control those memories, but you can control your attention to them.
“Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself”
~Maya Angelo
JOIN OUR FACEBOOK GROUP, Widow 180 The Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/312036956454927
Does 911 ever not answer?
Picture this scenario.
You have an emergency.
A health crisis.
Or your kitchen is on fire.
Or someone is trying to break into your home.
You grab the phone, shaking, and frantically call 911.
Then you’re put on hold. And you wait. And you wait. Not just a few seconds. It seems like a lifetime goes by before you finally talk to a live person.
This scenario happens way more often than you think.
Petra Gordon came home to find her husband on the floor of his office. She tells us “I called 911. I was put on hold. Which I never even thought you could be put on hold for 911. I didn’t get a real person on the phone for a good 60 seconds. So, then I finally got a live person who told me to do CPR and told me how to do the compressions on my husband.”
According to the National Emergency Number Association, a trade association for the 911 industry, 90 percent of calls are answered within 10 seconds and 95 percent within 20 seconds.
But, depending on the location, these stats can be skewed.
The reality of the 911 system is definitely something that needs an explanation.
There are a few reasons why your call may not be answered right away:
1. Dispatchers cost money.
Where does that money come from? They could be funded publicly or privately. But like any other business that is operating under a budget, it is a balancing act and the number of employees must be taken into consideration.
2. If the call was made from a cellphone, which most calls these days are, that could delay the processing and the call may need to be re-routed.
Honestly, how many people actually have a landline anymore?
So, here’s what happens. When you call 911 from a landline, the call is more easily tracked to your address. When you call from a cellphone, the dispatcher gets very little location information. The center gets the location of the cellphone tower your phone hits. In order to get your true location, call takers are forced to gather more information. That takes up call processing time. The longer that takes, the less available they are to take other calls coming in.
3. Every dispatch center is different.
Some centers in larger cities have greater needs than small town centers, where the dispatcher my be multitasking and handling multiple responsibilities at the same time. The dispatcher may be talking to the caller and talking on the radio channel as well, trying to reach firefighters and EMT to get them to the location of the emergency.
What can you do?
First and foremost, don’t hang up! If you hang up, the dispatcher has to call you back. It’s called an “abandoned call”. They have to follow up and try to reach you, which prolongs the processing time, keeping you on the phone longer and blocking other calls coming in.
Also, and I hate to say this, but you can’t rely completely on 911 to rescue you.
Be sure to have your local police department’s direct phone number on hand in case 911 is jammed with other calls.
It’s scary to think that our most important lifeline isn’t always there when we need it. It’s important to be aware that this is a possibility.
And maybe become CPR certified just in case. It certainly wouldn’t hurt.
JOIN US ON FACEBOOK FOR OTHER TIPS, QUESTIONS, TOPICS, RESOURCES
Widow 180 Community with Jen Zwinck
or
Instagram: @Widow_180
Collect Money From A Lost Life Insurance Policy
Every year, at least $1 BILLION in life insurance benefits go unclaimed because the beneficiaries simply don’t know that the policy exists. The average unclaimed benefit is $2,000 but some payouts reach the hundreds of thousands.
If your spouse has passed away, don’t expect the insurance company to come a knockin’ on your door. The California state controller found that, in some cases, when the premium payments stopped after policyholders died, insurers often used the policies’ cash value to continue payments until the cash was depleted.
“What? No! How could they?!”, you ask.
Yes, they do that kinda stuff.
So, if you suspect your spouse had a policy naming you as a beneficiary but you’re not sure how to go about finding it, read on for some tips and resources that can help you search.
1. Search personal records.
Lets’ start here because this is the easiest place to start.
If the person has died recently, start by checking the will and estate papers if you have access to it, of course. You can also check files for policy info, look for records of premium payments, or bills from insurance companies. Review recent income tax returns that show interest income for life insurance policies. Contact the deceased’s employer or labor union to check for policies you may not know about.
2. Search for Unclaimed Property
If your spouse died more than two years ago, benefits may have been turned over to the unclaimed property office of the state where the policy was purchased.
Go to www.missingmoney.com, a website of the National Association of Unclaimed Property Administrators to search records from 38 states.
Also go to www.Unclaimed.org to find links to all state programs that will allow you to do a free search online. If your name produces a hit, you will have to provide all necessary documentation, including a death certificate.
3. Policy-Locator Service
The National Association of Insurance Commissioners (NAIC), an insurance regulatory support organization, recently created a national policy locator service.
This is great news because it takes the guesswork out of it and makes it easy for us!
And we like easy, right?!
So, here’s what you do.
Go to www.Content.NAIC.org and click on Life Insurance Policy Locator under Consumers at the bottom of the Home Page.
The NAIC will then ask its 463 member insurance companies to search records for any policies in the name of the deceased. If any are found, the insurer will contact you within 90 days.
4. Beware of scams!
Unfortunately, there are very bad people in this world who will try their darndest to take advantage of you.
Don’t let them.
Here’s what they do. They call or email you or contact you in some way, shape, or form and offer to reunite you with any unclaimed property. They charge you an up-front fee of, say, $500 or more. Don’t fall for this!
The real agency does not charge you anything, though some private agencies DO legally mine unclaimed assets and charge you a percentage, payable only if the property is found.
If you have successfully found any lost benefits, we want to know how you did it!
Email me at jen@widow180.com
Join our Facebook Group for extra support and advice….
Widow 180 Community with Jen Zwinck
We want to hear from you!
Sign up below to get more articles, emails, tips, resources and helpful things!
Your car insurance company is charging you a “widow’s penalty”
Yes. You read that right.
When your husband passed away, you no doubt took on the grueling task of changing bank accounts, cancelling credit cards, cancelling gym memberships, and the like. Imagine your shock and horror when, after reporting the death of your husband to your car insurance company, you see your car insurance premium being INCREASED instead of reduced.
And not by a small amount either! On average, you will see a 14% increase! Some widows have seen as much as a 200% increase!
Wait, what?
There’s one less driver and one less car on the road.
What gives?
The shameful and short explanation for the “widow penalty” is this: Unmarried drivers are, allegedly, statistically riskier drivers.
I know what you’re thinking.
Why are you being clumped into the same category as, say, a Fast and Furious obsessed teenage boy with a tricked out ride who is also “single”?
Another short explanation: The insurance companies can do what they want and make their own rules.
But here’s where it gets tricky.
These rate differences due to ‘single’ status are not the only reason auto premiums change when a spouse dies. If a couple is on the same policy, their insurance costs are determined by their combined driving records. If one spouse dies, the premium will change to reflect the risk of the driver remaining on the policy. If that driver has a better driving record then maybe the premium goes down. But not likely. If that driver has a worse driving record with more accident claims, the premium will go up even more.
Also, if your insurance is bundled, say life and auto, families usually get a discount. If one of those policies goes away, like a life insurance payout after a spouse dies, that discount may go away as well.
The bottom line is: You have to make changes to your auto insurance policy, therefore your rates will change.
And no thanks to this ‘widow’s penalty’, don’t be shocked to see your bill go up.
What can you do about it?
At the time of this writing, State Farm is the ONLY insurance company that does not consider marital status when setting premiums.
So, your options are:
Say buh-bye to your current car insurance carrier. Switch to State Farm.
or
COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN to your current insurance company. Don’t hold back! Be that annoying customer!
Call them out on this BS and see if they will be flexible with you and keep your lower rate.
As they should.
For other tips, resources, stories, quotes, and videos…..JOIN OUR FACEBOOK GROUP:
WIDOW 180 COMMUNITY
with Jen Zwinck
We would love to see you there!
The 5 types of support you need during your grief recovery
Let’s just begin by stating the obvious, because we have all witnessed and encountered this in some way. Most, if not all people are uncomfortable dealing with a grieving person. They have NO IDEA what to say to you. They don’t know how to act or how to react to seeing another person, someone that they love dearly, be so vulnerable and open with their feelings. It makes THEM nervous and anxious and they don’t like how THEY feel around you, so they pull away.
They leave us alone.
They withdraw from an uncomfortable situation by not calling and checking in. They think they are doing us a favor by leaving us alone to “get back to our normal selves” and giving us time to “get over it”. They bail on us.
So when the people around us who we love and rely on the most start to retreat from our lives and our children’s lives, we feel like WE then have to change in order to keep them around. They like us when we are okay. They like us when we are happy. So, what do we do? We put on a fake smile. We SAY we’re okay. We SAY we’re doing better. When deep down to our core we are LOST.
We are broken.
We are scared.
We have to act ok and put on a show just to keep the people we love around. And when we do this, we are not being true to ourselves. We are pushing aside our true feelings. We start to become isolated just so that we can be our true selves, which for an indefinite period of time, is miserable. We stay alone so that we can grieve alone and not be judged or rushed by anyone.
But the fact of the matter is, you cannot grieve alone, my dear sweet friends. In order to heal properly, you need support. You need to be able to express your feelings fully and without judgment in order to heal, otherwise we remain stuck in our grief. You need to find your people. You need to find your tribe.
So let’s go over the first type of support you will need:
#1. An advocate. A person who is there to support you in any and every way. A person who is there to act on your behalf. Because, Lord knows, your brain has had the shock and trauma of a lifetime and your poor, overwhelmed brain is in no position to make the important decisions it is being asked to at this time. The person who took this role for me was my brother- in -law, Will. While I was curled up in bed crying nonstop, he was on the phone with the insurance company, the bank, the endless list of people who needed to know what had happened.
#2. A cheerleader/ a champion/ a pick-me-up-when-I-am-down friend who always says the right thing in the right way at the right time. This is the person in your life that you can rely on to cheer you up. To lift you up when you are down. To tell you that you are good enough. To tell you that you are a strong person. To not only encourage you to survive, but to thrive. They motivate you and encourage you and listen without judgment. They make you laugh….God knows how, but they do.
The next person you need is, well, we’ll just call this person….
#3. the accountant. This person keeps you in check. They keep you accountable. And they watch over everything from making sure that you are eating at least once a day, to making sure your mortgage is getting paid. They may not write the checks for you, but they are there to remind you to do it. Did you feed the kids? Did you feed the dog? Maybe they encourage you to shower?? Maybe not, depending on what kind of day you’re having. My rule of thumb is this….if it needs oxygen to survive, it’s priority. Everything else can wait. Really. You may or may not need so much help, but they are there and double checking just to be sure you and your kids are okay.
#4. A mentor or a coach or a therapist. This is someone who is there to act as your guide. You are travelling down a bumpy road, someplace you’ve never been before and you need a roadmap or a tourguide to help you maneuver through the landmines that you may encounter along the way. This may be a professional licensed therapist. This may be a life coach for widows. This may be another widow who is further down the path than you, with more wisdom and more experience to share what she’s learned along the way.
And then the last type of support you need, but the one I found the most helpful to me, is
#5. A community./ your tribe/your go-to peeps. Never underestimate the power of solidarity. Having a community makes us feel accepted and understood. And I feel like one of the most important parts of grief recovery is to have our feelings validated by others who are sharing the same experience that we are. They share the struggles, the fears, the worries.
And sometimes we just need to validate our feelings because these are feelings we’ve never had to deal with before. Like, one day I want all my friends over because I don’t want to be alone, but later that same day I WISH everyone would just leave me alone. It’s an up and down mind game that can make you feel like you’re going insane. But Grief is a shared human experience. This is what helps us get through it.
This could be a local grief support group that meets every month. Like the one I found the week after Brent was killed. I felt like I was losing my mind and I just needed somebody to talk to who understood how I was feeling. I heard about this group from a friend of mine at the funeral when she came up to me and said, “You really should talk to my friend Cherie. Her husband died a couple of years ago. She might be able to help you.” So I got her number and I called her the next day and she told me that this support group was meeting the next evening and that she couldn’t go, but if I wanted to go she would let them know I was coming. Everyone was supposed to bring something like appetizer or wine or something.
I remember driving on the way there and suddenly remembering I was supposed to bring something because of course I forgot. So I ran into Walgreens and grabbed a little box of doughnut holes and showed up at this ladies house just bawling crying before she even opened the door. That night I met some incredible girls who changed my life, who became life long friends, who brought me back from the depths of grief, really. When I left that house that night, I can’t even describe the feeling, but it was SUCH relief. Like weights were lifted off of my body. Like, I could breathe deep breaths again, not just shallow frenetic breaths like I was having a panic attack.
I didn’t feel alone anymore. I had found my people. I hope that you can find a local group to meet with regularly in your area. But if you can’t, another place to find support is to join a Facebook Support Group.
We have our Facebook Group called Widow 180 Community.
We would love to have you! We are here for each other! I don’t want you to feel alone and you’re not alone. There’s our whole community there to ask questions and vent and cry to and scream and rant. And it’s all okay!
You can find me on Instagram too @widow_180
Or email me: Jen@widow180.com
The 5 sure signs that it’s time to see a therapist
Widows experiencing immense grief may need to look for these 5 signs that it’s time to see a therapist.
There are many signs that can be present that would lead a widow to believe that she needs to seek therapy from a professional. Considering these signs, I would always encourage a widow to seek therapy soon after the death of their partner.
In the beginning you may feel like you’re handling things well and feel like therapy may be too overwhelming. I would seek therapy anyway even if it is only to check in monthly and build a trusting relationship with a therapist. I say this because at some point the shock WILL wear off and the bottom WILL drop and having a developing therapeutic relationship will be a lifesaver.
All that being said, LOOK FOR THESE SURE SIGNS THAT YOU NEED HELP:
1. If you have any feelings of wanting to harm yourself or someone else, you need to seek help immediately by calling a loved one or suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). This one is obvious, but sometimes we are so far into our grief that we just can’t see any way out of it.
2. Feelings of being out of control. If you have tried to do things to better yourself or help the depression or relieve the anxiety, but NOTHING is working. Then it’s a sign you need some extra help.
3. Your emotions are preventing you from doing everyday tasks. Whether at home or school or work or anywhere really, are you having significant difficulty doing regular activities? Maybe you can’t concentrate. Or maybe it’s that everything overwhelms you. Or you’ve been avoiding co-workers or friends. If this behavior continues for weeks, it’s time to get help.
4. Volatile emotions, mood swings, abuse of substances. If you are trying to control your mood swings with things such as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, even food or gambling. Self-medicating is NOT the answer.
5. Unhealthy expressions of emotions. Especially if we turn the anger to loved ones or someone else in our lives. Making someone else feel bad is not going to make you feel better in the end.
Please keep in mind that this is based on my experience as a widow and a therapist. You need to assess your own situation and what is best for you. Also, you may not have horribly intense feelings and still want to reach out for help.
Many people feel relief from simply talking to someone that can be objective and nonjudgmental. Talk therapy can do wonders for some, whereas others may respond better to different forms of therapy. Just remember that everyone’s story is unique and there is no right or wrong, just different.
~ Christine Dusang