The 4 Key Things You Need To Know About Forgiveness In Order To Forgive Someone
Forgiveness is considered to be a cardinal virtue, with the basis being that forgiveness is a deliberate, conscious decision to release feelings of vengeance or resentment toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether or not they actually deserve your forgiveness. It is the act of releasing anger and hurt so that we can experience what’s possible for others and ourselves.
When I read this definition, it makes perfect sense on paper.
But, actually getting there, to a place of TOTAL release of pain and anger, emotionally and mentally to your very core, can seem almost impossible for a person who has suffered, say, abuse or neglect or some other unimaginable horror.
Stephanie Mosley lost her husband, Rob after he was struck by a speeding pick-up truck going 55mph in a 25mph zone. Stephanie was interviewed by a reporter the day after the accident and told him “I don’t know what the situation was, what I do know is that my husband would not want me to carry a burden of hatred or anger towards him. So, I want you know that I forgive you. I forgive you for what you’ve done.”
How does a person who has every reason in the world to be angry, resentful, hurt, find it in themselves to forgive?
There are 4 KEY things we should all know about forgiveness in order to TRULY Be able to forgive someone:
1. Forgiving DOES NOT mean EXCUSING
By forgiving, we do not condone the behavior of the offender. We are, instead, ACCEPTING what happened.
Acceptance means acknowledging that we don’t have control over what happened in the past.
Choosing to let go of that desire and the need to control the past is key to taking control of your future.
2. Forgiveness IS NOT a feeling
People may have an expectation of how they will feel or how they are supposed to feel if they finally decide to forgive someone.
Most people who are struggling to forgive want so desperately to feel at peace in their heart, to feel a wave of calm come over them suddenly, or perhaps even a feeling of compassion towards the offender.
Not everyone feels the same way after they forgive someone.
How you feel or don’t feel emotionally is fundamentally out of your control. You CAN control your thoughts. You CAN control your actions, INCLUDING your decision to forgive in the first place. But how we feel is not something we can control.
3. Forgiving IS NOT a one – time choice
Forgiveness is a process. It is an ongoing, continuous habit.
You can decide in a single moment to CHOOSE to forgive someone, but that’s just the beginning.
You may have trauma from events that pop in your head periodically.
You may see the person/offender on a regular basis.
Forgiving may be something you need to work on, process, continue with every day.
4. Forgiving DOES NOT mean Forgetting
We’ve all heard the saying “you need to forgive and forget”.
While forgiving and forgetting is great in theory, in reality it’s extremely difficult.
Heck, it’s nonsense, really.
How could someone possibly FORGET being abused?
How could a person FORGET ANY serious wrong committed against them?
It’s simply not possible.
What we don’t want to do is dwell on what happened and rehash it regularly. Instead, we can acknowledge those memories and then choose to re-focus our attention elsewhere.
In other words, stop paying so much attention on those negative thoughts from the past and turn your attention to other thoughts.
You may not be able to control those memories, but you can control your attention to them.
“Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself”
~Maya Angelo
