The 5 types of support you need during your grief recovery
Let’s just begin by stating the obvious, because we have all witnessed and encountered this in some way. Most, if not all people are uncomfortable dealing with a grieving person. They have NO IDEA what to say to you. They don’t know how to act or how to react to seeing another person, someone that they love dearly, be so vulnerable and open with their feelings. It makes THEM nervous and anxious and they don’t like how THEY feel around you, so they pull away.
They leave us alone.
They withdraw from an uncomfortable situation by not calling and checking in. They think they are doing us a favor by leaving us alone to “get back to our normal selves” and giving us time to “get over it”. They bail on us.
So when the people around us who we love and rely on the most start to retreat from our lives and our children’s lives, we feel like WE then have to change in order to keep them around. They like us when we are okay. They like us when we are happy. So, what do we do? We put on a fake smile. We SAY we’re okay. We SAY we’re doing better. When deep down to our core we are LOST.
We are broken.
We are scared.
We have to act ok and put on a show just to keep the people we love around. And when we do this, we are not being true to ourselves. We are pushing aside our true feelings. We start to become isolated just so that we can be our true selves, which for an indefinite period of time, is miserable. We stay alone so that we can grieve alone and not be judged or rushed by anyone.
But the fact of the matter is, you cannot grieve alone, my dear sweet friends. In order to heal properly, you need support. You need to be able to express your feelings fully and without judgment in order to heal, otherwise we remain stuck in our grief. You need to find your people. You need to find your tribe.
So let’s go over the first type of support you will need:
#1. An advocate. A person who is there to support you in any and every way. A person who is there to act on your behalf. Because, Lord knows, your brain has had the shock and trauma of a lifetime and your poor, overwhelmed brain is in no position to make the important decisions it is being asked to at this time. The person who took this role for me was my brother- in -law, Will. While I was curled up in bed crying nonstop, he was on the phone with the insurance company, the bank, the endless list of people who needed to know what had happened.
#2. A cheerleader/ a champion/ a pick-me-up-when-I-am-down friend who always says the right thing in the right way at the right time. This is the person in your life that you can rely on to cheer you up. To lift you up when you are down. To tell you that you are good enough. To tell you that you are a strong person. To not only encourage you to survive, but to thrive. They motivate you and encourage you and listen without judgment. They make you laugh….God knows how, but they do.
The next person you need is, well, we’ll just call this person….
#3. the accountant. This person keeps you in check. They keep you accountable. And they watch over everything from making sure that you are eating at least once a day, to making sure your mortgage is getting paid. They may not write the checks for you, but they are there to remind you to do it. Did you feed the kids? Did you feed the dog? Maybe they encourage you to shower?? Maybe not, depending on what kind of day you’re having. My rule of thumb is this….if it needs oxygen to survive, it’s priority. Everything else can wait. Really. You may or may not need so much help, but they are there and double checking just to be sure you and your kids are okay.
#4. A mentor or a coach or a therapist. This is someone who is there to act as your guide. You are travelling down a bumpy road, someplace you’ve never been before and you need a roadmap or a tourguide to help you maneuver through the landmines that you may encounter along the way. This may be a professional licensed therapist. This may be a life coach for widows. This may be another widow who is further down the path than you, with more wisdom and more experience to share what she’s learned along the way.
And then the last type of support you need, but the one I found the most helpful to me, is
#5. A community./ your tribe/your go-to peeps. Never underestimate the power of solidarity. Having a community makes us feel accepted and understood. And I feel like one of the most important parts of grief recovery is to have our feelings validated by others who are sharing the same experience that we are. They share the struggles, the fears, the worries.
And sometimes we just need to validate our feelings because these are feelings we’ve never had to deal with before. Like, one day I want all my friends over because I don’t want to be alone, but later that same day I WISH everyone would just leave me alone. It’s an up and down mind game that can make you feel like you’re going insane. But Grief is a shared human experience. This is what helps us get through it.
This could be a local grief support group that meets every month. Like the one I found the week after Brent was killed. I felt like I was losing my mind and I just needed somebody to talk to who understood how I was feeling. I heard about this group from a friend of mine at the funeral when she came up to me and said, “You really should talk to my friend Cherie. Her husband died a couple of years ago. She might be able to help you.” So I got her number and I called her the next day and she told me that this support group was meeting the next evening and that she couldn’t go, but if I wanted to go she would let them know I was coming. Everyone was supposed to bring something like appetizer or wine or something.
I remember driving on the way there and suddenly remembering I was supposed to bring something because of course I forgot. So I ran into Walgreens and grabbed a little box of doughnut holes and showed up at this ladies house just bawling crying before she even opened the door. That night I met some incredible girls who changed my life, who became life long friends, who brought me back from the depths of grief, really. When I left that house that night, I can’t even describe the feeling, but it was SUCH relief. Like weights were lifted off of my body. Like, I could breathe deep breaths again, not just shallow frenetic breaths like I was having a panic attack.
I didn’t feel alone anymore. I had found my people. I hope that you can find a local group to meet with regularly in your area. But if you can’t, another place to find support is to join a Facebook Support Group.
We have our Facebook Group called Widow 180 Community.
We would love to have you! We are here for each other! I don’t want you to feel alone and you’re not alone. There’s our whole community there to ask questions and vent and cry to and scream and rant. And it’s all okay!
You can find me on Instagram too @widow_180
Or email me: Jen@widow180.com
