Radical Acceptance: The Therapy Technique That Could Change A Widow’s Life!
Is it just me or does anyone else hate the word “acceptance” when we’re talking about the loss of our spouse?
I mean, I REALLY despise this word.
Acceptance.
Acceptance, to me has a negative connotation when we talk about death. Accepting means submission, surrender, defeat, subservience, pretty much just rolling over and giving up.
And that’s not me at all. I’m a fixer. I’m a fighter.
Grief is work, right? If you’ve been through it, you know that as fact. Working through grief is a necessary part of healing. We have to work it out. Feel all the feelings. The pain, the outrage, the fear of an uncertain future, the questioning of your Maker, the doubt of your place in this world. Grief walks us through pain to disbelief, to “what-ifs”, to rage, to despair, - and eventually to acceptance. This is what we’ve been taught. This is what we read about in all the grief books. The ‘goal’ is acceptance. It’s the magical finish line we’re all trying to reach. As if, once we accept it, we’re all good. We’re supposed to be ‘over’ it. We’ve accepted, now we can just move on with our lives, right?
Mmmmmmm, not so much.
I’ve had an on-the-fence opinion of acceptance for years now.
So, when the concept of Radical Acceptance came up on my interview with Tawny Platis on Widow 180: the Podcast, I had to see what it was all about.
A few hours of research and I uncovered this:
Radical acceptance means finding the courage to accept facts as they are so that we can start to adapt this new reality into our lives. Radical acceptance means accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot change. It’s about saying yes to life and our circumstances just as they are.
As a widow, I have to admit, I struggle with this concept. Like many of you, my loss left me reeling. Life was unbearable. I felt an overwhelming misery and pain I had never felt before in my life. I was on the brink of giving up on everything because I couldn’t see the point in going on. I had resigned to the thought that nothing could change my current state of suffering.
BUT…
Refusing to accept the truth won’t keep it from being true. It doesn’t change the situation. It only adds pain and suffering and bitterness.
I had a conversation with Nadja Ensink-Teich about acceptance in our interview on Episode 29 of Widow 180: The Podcast. Nadja and I have similar widow stories in that our husbands were killed by random strangers on the street. Nadja’s husband Jeroen was standing at a mailbox on a street corner mailing postcards when he was stabbed by a severely mentally ill man who happened to be walking by. My husband, Brent, was followed out of a party, was robbed, and killed by a stranger on the street. It’s hard to accept the reality of those situations because of the sheer brutality of it all.
I know it’s what happened.
My brain fully understands the facts of what happened.
But, acceptance, being associated with the word ‘approval’, is still a hard word for me to swallow.
Radical acceptance is supposed to offer us a healthy way of coping with the stress we have to deal with. Radical acceptance helps us shift our focus from trying to change reality and redirects our thoughts to help us adapt to what’s happening concerning our loss.
The Psychology Today article written by Mark Banschick says this:
“Radical acceptance means that you understand that bad things do indeed happen to good people – and all the time. You can stay mired in your sense of injustice and self- righteousness. You can develop an entire personality around your victimhood. But what purpose does it provide? An identity fueled by hurt and rage is a soul that is preoccupied by control and not love. You lose a second time because you become a victim of your own victimhood. To accept means to see things clearly, to see the world as it is, with its dangers – and its gifts.”
So, how can we actively practice Radical Acceptance?
Here are 5 exercises we can do:
1. Relax Your Body. Tensing your muscles is associated with resistance. Relaxing facilitates an attitude of acceptance.
Notice your posture.
Practice willing hands by placing your palms up in your lap.
Try a gentle half-smile. Recent studies show that by simple smiling, this can lighten your mood and decrease anxiety.
2. Stay focused on the present moment. Ask “What do I need to do right now to feel peace?” Stop expending energy agonizing over the past or worrying about the future.
3. Commit to developing healthy coping skills, like listening to music, doing yoga, praying, meditating, or journaling. These can help relax and soothe the mind. Don’t give in to the urge to turn to destructive behavior. Have you arsenal of good practices in place.
4. Replace thought patterns. Like Dr. Alice Virgil says, “Replacing ineffective thought patterns with more effective thought patterns might look like this:
Ineffective thinking: Evil and wrongdoing are human nature and if I accept this reality, it must mean that I approve of evil and wrongdoing. I cannot accept evil and wrongdoing so I must stay actively upset and condemn what I see as evil. This attitude is likely to lead to a permanent state of despair and bitterness.
Effective thinking: Evil and wrongdoing are human nature and if I accept this reality, it doesn’t mean that I approve of evil and wrongdoing.”
5. Put a stop to resistant ruminating. We learn through repetition. Repeating leads to forming habits. Keep the following coping statements handy and repeat them as needed.
I can get through this.
I believe that life is worth living.
This is difficult but it’s only temporary.
It is what it is.
I can’t change what’s happened and I don’t think it’s ok.
I’m in this situation but it doesn’t mean I approve of it.
This feels painful, but I will survive.
I can feel anxious and still deal with this situation effectively.
My take-away from my recent research on the Radical Acceptance subject is this:
I’m reminding myself of what the word ‘acceptance’ DOES NOT mean.
Accepting doesn’t mean agreeing with.
It doesn’t mean condoning.
Acceptance doesn’t mean that we like it or that it’s fair or that we’re ok with it.
Acceptance doesn’t mean passivity.
So, by understanding what ‘acceptance’ is and isn’t, helps me better accept the word ‘acceptance’ into my widow vocabulary.
I would love to know your thoughts on this!
Please email me at jen@widow180.com
or
DM me on Instagram @widow_180
Join us on Facebook: Widow 180 Community
https://www.facebook.com/groups/312036956454927
Listen here for the full podcast interview with Tawny Platis!
Listen to Episode 29 of Widow 180: The Podcast
with Nadja Ensink-Teich:
https://widow180.libsyn.com/nadja-ensink-teich-how-this-widow-travelled-the-world-to-heal-her-soul
Check out some other widow advice on our new YouTube Channel, Widow 180: The Channel!
Memorial and Keepsake Ideas -
Advice For New Widows -
