4 Ways To Feel Better About Making Decisions ON YOUR OWN!
In my recent interview with Melissa Pierce on Widow 180: The Podcast episode 45, I asked her a question as we were wrapping up and the question was this, “What’s the biggest change you’ve seen in yourself since becoming a widow?”
She said, “Trusting myself. Relying on myself again to make decisions on my own.”
First of all, I LOVE that answer.
It got me thinking that this is something I think most of us as widows struggle with.
We’ve spent years as a married couple, making decisions together, and now we’re alone. Every single thing is on us. All of the burden and responsibility is placed on us. It’s a lot to take on, especially when we’re also trying to grieve the loss of our spouse. We’ve lost all confidence in ourselves. We feel weak, physically and emotionally, so mentally, we’re just OFF! We’re stuck in an “I don’t know” state of limbo. Kristin Kirk and I talk about learning to become more independent on Episode 21 of the podcast.
We’re paralyzed in fear of making the wrong choices for us and our family. We’ve stopped relying on ourselves over the years because we’ve always had a back-up voice of reason. We had our teammate! We had someone by our side that we knew were always going to look out for our best interests.
This is NOT a bad thing!
This is a normal progression of a relationship where we rely on our spouse for so many things. We want to include their opinion. This is a good thing.
But now that’s gone. Now we’re alone. And suddenly we’re unable to make choices.
This can be for small decisions and big decisions.
Like, when shortly after Brent died, my car started losing air in one of the tires. I took it in to the shop and it had a nail in it. I had to decide to patch it or get a new one. Patch it? Get a new one? This was not a major life decision, but somehow my brain did not have the capacity to shop and compare and know what to do! These are the things I would normally just call Brent about and he would tell me what to do. I don’t know if it’s like that for everyone’s relationship, but that’s how it was for us.
Then there are the bigger decisions we’re faced with. Like, is it time to get a new car? If so, what kind is best for our family? Is it time for us to move? Do I sell and just rent somewhere?
Huge decisions that you now have to make on your own, that can leave you paralyzed in fear and self-doubt, stopping any and all momentum forward in life.
So, what can we do about this?
How can we start to feel better and more confident in our decision-making ability?
1. One thing to keep in mind is knowing that there aren’t any wrong decisions or bad decisions or decisions that we should feel guilty about. I know you’ve heard the phrase “You made the best decision with the information you had at that time.” This applies for all of us.
So, repeat that phrase to yourself when you need reassurance.
Basically, we need to be at peace with the decisions that we’re making. And knowing that we can’t make a wrong decision should help us and push us to stay on track.
2. If you’re feeling stuck, give yourself a deadline, a little push to get something done.
I had the hardest time deciding to sell our boat after Brent passed away. That boat was such a big part of his life. It was his passion. His happy place. I couldn’t bring myself to sell it at first, even though, logically it made sense. But my heart told me otherwise. I gave myself a year. I weighed all the options. In the end, it didn’t make sense for me to keep it. But, selling our boat was absolutely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
So, if you’re hemming and hawing about something, give yourself a deadline. A month. A week. Whatever. Make your pros and cons list. Weigh all the options. Do your research. Make the decision. Be at peace with that decision. And move forward.
3. If you’re unsure about something, look for signs that you’re on the right track.
What do I mean?
Well, in Episode 3 of Widow 180: The Podcast, Cherie talks about having to choose a new school for her son. She had gone on multiple open house tours and was having trouble picking a school. At one particular open house, she was walking down the hall to leave and stopped when she saw some artwork on the wall.
It was a rainbow.
This was the sign that she always got from her late husband. Whenever she needed help or guidance or HIM, she always saw a rainbow. So, she knew that was the right school for her son.
I don’t know if everyone believes in that sort of thing, but pay attention!
Look for those signs from the universe, or that inner intuition we sometimes push aside. The signs are there. You just have to slow down enough to see them!
4. And finally, if we don’t decide on things and we get stuck in the perpetual “I don’t know” cycle, then we stay in that state of limbo. The only way to get out of this state of limbo is to take action. Here’s the pattern that we need to see:
ACTION CREATES CLARITY
Imagine this scenario: You’re lost in the woods. Every direction you turn, you see the same view. Trees. Trees. Trees. If you’re lost, you’ve gotta start walking in order to get out! You gotta start walking in order to know where to go! The path will open up for you as you start going.
Once you take action and make a decision and see positive results from you making a choice all on your own, what happens is you gain confidence. You feel empowered.
You think, “Hey! I did that! I did that all by myself!”
It’s all about taking those small steps one at a time to build up that confidence in yourself so that you really start to trust yourself again.
So, here’s what that pattern looks like:
ACTION CREATES CLARITY
CLARITY GIVES YOU CONFIDENCE
CONFIDENCE CREATES MOMENTUM
And then what? And then you’re unstoppable!
