What To Ask For When You Need Help But Don’t Know What To Ask For!
I think most of us can agree that it’s hard to ask for help. Most of us are independent, capable adults that like to be in control of running our household in a way that’s up to our standards. HOWEVER, when a massive upheaval in life, such as the loss of your spouse, happens, all normalcy and logic flies out the window and chaos ensues.
The shock sets in. Widow fog brain sets in. and Day to day life becomes downright overwhelming. The simple things, like laundry and taking out the trash, are forgotten. Not important. Not priorities, as far as you’re concerned. YET they still need to be done, right?
This is when the troops come in to help, sometimes whether you want them to or not. Trust me, you want them to. Even if you are a total control freak and your laundry needs to be folded at exact 90 degree angles. Even then, let them do it.
Here’s the thing: People want to help because it helps them grieve the loss too. They, too, feel out of control. And by helping you, it’s helping them. Baking you a casserole gives THEM purpose. Let them do it.
In my interview with Viki Brown on Widow 180: The Podcast Episode 39, we talked a lot about this. She said she just had to let go of that control and let others in to help. She said “Here’s my mess! All of it! Walk with me in this journey and help me along the way even if I don’t ask for it.”
In the event that your friends or family actually ASK you what you want and you don’t have the capacity or brainpower to mutter an answer, because you probably can’t remember how to spell your name at that point, here’s a list of things you can write down for them to help you with.
1. Ask for help with Food!
This one is the most obvious AND the least intrusive into your home.
Let’s break this category down a bit further, shall we?
a. Ask them to set up a meal train OR assign a close family member or friend to set a Facebook page to communicate with people or text people to let them know. A meal train is nice because then you’re not bombarded with 36 fruit baskets in the first week.
b. You can always make a grocery list and post it on the Facebook page. That way if, say, your kids only drink a certain type of grape juice, they’ll know what kind to pick up at the store.
c. If your kids are picky, like mine would only eat chicken nuggets, then a gourmet casserole will go to waste. Ask for gift cards to your kids favorite places to eat, so you know the food will definitely get eaten!
d. Along those lines, ask for gift cards to DoorDash, UberEats, or GrubHub to order food and keep things simple.
e. IF you still have some energy to actually cook, and you don’t want to grocery shop, ask for gifts like Hello Fresh or Blue Apron and have meals delivered to your door. Easy peasy.
f. Ask them to bring frozen meals so you can have some things to pop out and heat up at a later date.
2. Ask them to help with Cleaning the house.
Some specific things are:
Laundry
Vacuuming
Sweeping
Mopping
Take out the trash
Do the dishes. Although another suggestion here is to use paper plates and disposable utensils, even if it’s just a temporary solution to make your life easier! There’s no shame in taking shortcuts right now!
OR
Ask for a cleaning service to come if your supporters want to pre-pay.
We all find it easier to focus when our environment is neat and orderly. This will give you that time back to focus on yourself and your healing that needs to be done.
3. Help with all of the living, breathing things in your house!
a. Watch the kiddos!
Ok, for me this was what I needed the most. My daughter was only 2 when my husband was killed. As a toddler, she needed my attention 24/7, regardless of the fact that EVERYTHING in our life had just changed. In those first few weeks as a widow, what I needed more than anything, was time to myself. I felt like I needed isolation and silence more than anything and that is simply impossible with a toddler at your feet. The first month, my brother would come over and stay at my house, while I stepped into the back room to make phone calls and deal with the mountains of paperwork that needed my attention.
If you need help with the kids, ask others to take them to the park or their favorite restaurant. Or even if they just babysit at your house so you can run errands. They can help with school drop-offs and pick-ups. Or running kids to after school activities.
b. Help with the pets!
Walk the dog. Change the cat litter. Feed the pets. Change the goldfish water. Clean the rabbit cage. Whatever it is that the living thing requires to survive.
c. Water the plants inside and outside the house.
4. Make an Amazon Wish List with things that will make your life easier. Such as a Roomba, or Alexa, or a Tile to find your keys!
5. Ask for Visa gift cards. You can use them to pay for fun things, like spa visits. Or you can be practical and get some necessities, like groceries. Or even use them to pay house bills.
6. Ask someone to set up a GoFundMe account for you. This is such an EASY way for people to help! My Widow 180 Podcast guest Briana Dolbear was left to raise her 7 daughters after losing her husband in a farm accident. She talks to me in episode 12 about how her family opened a GoFund Me account for her and the girls and raised thousands of dollars!
7. Ask for someone to sit with you while you make the million phone calls you need to make. It’s so hard to pick up the phone and explain to someone what happened to your spouse over and over and OVER AGAIN. It’s exhausting and can really wear on your spirit. It’s nice to have someone there with you. They can help you go through paperwork, file the necessary paperwork, and get organized. If nothing else, you can assign them the task of writing Thank You notes.
8. Ask them to help with yard work!
Cut the grass. Weed the edges and sidewalks. Shovel snow, if needed.
I say, think of the thing you LEAST like to do and ask for help with that! For me, that would be cutting the grass, because who in their right mind likes to do that? (If cutting the grass is your jam and you love it, I’m not judging.)
9. Ask them for help with your car. Fill it with gas. Fill air in the tires if needed. Take it to the car wash.
10. Ask them to do something for you that will make you smile.
Have you heard of the term “porch angel”? A porch angel is a person who goes out of their way to leave special gifts on someone else’s front porch.
I heard this example recently. A woman’s husband passed away and every morning her neighbor would drop off her favorite latte from Starbucks on her front porch at exactly 7am. Every single morning for 2 months! It’s a small, simple gesture that can mean the world to someone else!
Or ask them to drop off a bottle of wine (if that’s your preference)!
Any and all of these things are helpful!
If you are not in a state where you want to be around people or have people in your home helping you, I get that. But instead of completely rejecting the help that is offered, tell your friends and family that you appreciate the offers but you’re really overwhelmed right now and to please check back in with you next week.
But, again, be specific!
Give them a date. And a time to call you back to check in.
If you keep saying “no”, they will stop asking!
So, keep this in mind: By the time your shock starts to wear off in 3 months and you realize you need help, their lives are getting back to normal. And the offers to help you will stop coming in.
Let them help.
For other tips and advice,
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Find Viki Brown’s Episode here!
https://widow180.libsyn.com/39-how-viki-brown-answered-a-calling-to-open-dustins-place-center-for-grieving-children-and-their-families
