5 Stress Triggers You Might Face During The Holidays!
Episode 151
Today we’re talking all about grief triggers to be aware of during the holiday season!
They can happen anytime, anywhere, when you least expect it! BUT sometimes we do know when they’ll be a possibility so we can mentally prepare for them.
Today we break down 5 different grief triggers to be aware of!
Do you have any other ones you’d like to add to this list? I’d love to hear from you! Email me at jen@widow180.com or DM me on Insta @widow_180
LISTEN TO THE PODCAST HERE:
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
The idea for this episode came to me just a few weeks ago, when our family did a trip to Disney. It was epic. It was exhausting! We had a blast. And my MIL was able to come with us which was awesome. Just a little backstory, my FIL, Doug’s dad, passed away in January 2020. My in-laws have a timeshare by Disney so that’s where we were staying. The last time my MIL was at their timeshare was when my FIL was with her 3 years ago. And that’s also the last time she went to Disney, was when he was with her. That’s always where they went together. That was their happy place, right? So I knew there were going to be a lot of triggers for her, a lot of firsts. First time being back there without him. And I knew that was going to be really hard. I was hyper aware of this, as was Doug. Well, you guys, we got to the resort to check in around 8 at night and we pull up at this stunning resort, and she gets out to go to the reception and Doug walked in with her. I stayed in the car with the girls. They walk up to the front desk and the guy behind the counter goes “Oh hello Mrs. Zwinck and you must be Robert.” That’s my FIL. Oh my god. I mean, Oh my god, you guys. Within the first 2 minutes of getting there! I knew that hurt. I know how bad that hurts! So, we get inside and unpack a little and then she wanted to show us around and walk around the property a bit. So we did. And remember, the last time she had been there was with him. Now she’s alone, but with us, but it’s not the same. I know how all of this feels for her.
Then she told us how she had to meet the next day with the timeshare people to do some name changes on the title and things like that. She said she had to sit through an hour of presentation, you know how they make you do that, then she could take care of it. Take care of the business stuff she had to take care of. Not easy, right? I asked her if she wanted us to go with her and she said “no” that she could take care of it alone. So she went the next day. And afterward she came up to our room to tell us about it. And she said that when she walked in to the hour long session room, it was all couples. All older married couples and then her, by herself, and she said she just lost it. She was crying and upset. And it’s just one of those things. It was something that she had to take care of. Unavoidable. And painful. One of those hard widow tasks and You know it’s coming.
I know, for her, there were so many other parts of that trip that triggered things for her that she didn’t even mention to us. Going into the parks. Remembering the last time they were there together. She was a trooper. Flying alone. Handling flight delays and all that. Things she hadn’t really done on her own before. And I called her after and told her how proud I was of her. It takes guts to do the scary things. And she did it!
So, back to today’s episode we’re talking about grief triggers to be aware of during the holiday season, or really any season for that matter. Just like my MIL had to deal with, they can happen anytime! And that’s how grief works, right? Grief can be triggered by the most random things. Now, of course there are more than just the 5 I have listed here, AND different things trigger people differently.
This is a also HUGE topic right now in our WidowSquad meetings. And so many of you are facing the first Christmas without your loved one. One of our members was telling us about going to Michael’s to get a tree and some ornaments and new decorations. But that when she saw the mistletoe, I guess they had a display or a sign that said “find your special someone under the mistletoe” She lost it. She was bawling in the store and had to leave. It happens!
So, when I say the word “trigger” I know most of you already know what that means, but if you don’t, A grief trigger or an anxiety trigger is when something, a specific situation or action, or something sensory even, like a smell, leads you to heightened feelings of worry and fear.
It’s like the ultimate gut-punch out of nowhere, when you’re trying to go about your day just minding your own business, but then grief has to come barreling back into your life and F everything up.
For me, it’s also the same feeling I get when I pull my phone out of purse and all my little apps are wiggling at me, with little minus signs. Like their threatening to disappear out of my life forever if I hit the wrong button. Like ”oh, you don’t want me anymore?” And I’m like “No! Don’t go away!” for the love of god. What button did I push? How did that even happen? Panic ensues! Pure panic!
However, SOMETIMES, we KNOW in advance that the triggers are coming or likely to happen, like going back to Disney for the first time without your spouse. Going back to a certain place where you always went together. We know these triggers may happen And that we can mentally prepare for it.
So what are some of these triggers:
We’re gonna go over 5 different ones today, and you can think about how grief affects all of our senses:
1. The first one is ALL of the things we see that remind us of our loved one. This could be pulling out the decorations and seeing the ornaments that you hung up together on the tree for the past 20 years.
This could be certain people that you see at a party. Maybe there are people at the party that you haven’t seen since the funeral. And when you walk into a get-together and see their faces, it brings you right back to the funeral and all of those thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to see some people.
A trigger could be walking into your in-laws house and seeing pictures of your husband on the bookshelf or wall. Maybe there are new pictures you haven’t seen before and it sends you into a spiral.
Or just like our widowsquad member, you walk into Michael’s and you see a sign about meeting your someone under the mistletoe and you just lose it, in the store, in the parking lot. Lord knows, I’ve been there.
2. Certain Smells can trigger anxiety. Here’s a fun fact: studies show that the smell receptors in your nose communicate with your amygdala and hippocampus, those are the brains’ storehouses for memory and emotion. You already knew that, right? Ah, science. It’s all so fascinating until you start crying all over your apple pie. So, think about this when you walk into someone’s house and it smells like cinnamon and that reminds you of last Christmas when you and your husband tried a new Caramel Cinnamon Martini recipe and acted like a couple of teenagers. It’s bittersweet. Those reminders will make us laugh and cry at the same time.
3. The places you go. Oh, the places you go. So, this one reminds me of my first Christmas without Brent. Total disaster. I wanted to get a Christmas tree like we always did. Oh so there’s another smell trigger. The smell of Christmas trees. So, anyway, I went back to the same Christmas tree lot place that we had always gone to for years before. Don’t ask me why. I should have gone to a different Christmas tree lot because just being there. At THAT place. Without him there too. Was extremely difficult. Had I gone to another lot, maybe it would have been less painful, I dunno. But I should have tried that. That place was definitely a trigger for me.
Maybe a trigger place for you is your friend’s annual Christmas party. It’s always a tradition at this one friend’s house. And you know if you go, it will be a reminder of all of the year’s past at that place. And if you walk into a room full of couples, it could get ugly. Emotionally ugly, for you.
4. Number 4 is sounds. This happens a lot! Also random times of year. When you’re driving in the car and a certain song comes on that reminds you of your husband and a memory you had together. When his favorite song comes on in the grocery store. OR this happens to me, when a song comes on and it’s from the period of time AFTER your husband passed away. The period of time when you were hurting the most and the pain of the loss was unbearable. And you hear a song from THAT time of your life when you were trying to heal and it makes you hurt all over again. That one was surprising to me.
So, not just the holiday season because this happens all year long. BUT during the holiday season is when we’re gonna hear all of the holiday songs, of course. And these could be, again, bittersweet reminders of times we spent together over the years. Another one to be aware of is the New Year’s Eve Song – Auld Lang Syne. That one is a doozy.
5. This last one, number 5 is also a doozy, I’m not gonna lie. This is Facebook memories. The bleepity bleep Facebook memories. I’m trying not to curse, really! Ok, because Facebook memories are GREAT when your life is peachy and sunshine and perfect and you’re not a widow, right? Bring on the memories! But, this is such a major trigger and if you’re on Facebook, it’s likely to happen, so just, heads up. This actually happened to my MIL as we were walking around Disney and a Facebook memory popped up from exactly 3 years before on that day when she was there with my FIL. Up until that point, my MIL was having a fun day, laughing and enjoying herself and riding rollercoasters. And then, not. And then, it can change your whole day, if you let it.
These are 5 grief triggers that you might expect during the holidays. I know there are soooo many more that I’m not mentioning. If you have a one and you want to share it with me, I would LOVE to hear it! Message me on IG @widow_180 or email me at jen@widow180.com. I love hearing from you guys!
I’m also on Facebook under Widow 180 Community so you can join us there. I’ll put the link in the show notes.
And I know I keep mentioning the WidowSquad and that is our online community, we’re a bunch of awesome widows with a bunch of awesome resources for you to help navigate through, well, being a widow. If you want to join us and our weekly meetings and all the things we offer, go to https://widowsquad.com.
And you can also get the book, The Widow’s Holiday Guidebook, that’s available now to download. Go to https://www.widow180.com/books.
Connect with Jen:
FREE download: The Kick Loneliness To The Curb Webinar (VIDEO) addresses the number one struggle for widows…loneliness. Hear tips, insights, and advice on how to handle loneliness after loss in this presentation sponsored by The Widow Squad community: https://view.flodesk.com/pages/635f0091647f997fb25c897c
Get your copy of the Widow’s Holiday Guidebook here! This is 45 Days of Self-Reflection, Self-Compassion, and Self-Care to help you get through the holidays with grace and peace.
