Understanding Relief Guilt - Losing Your Spouse To Addiction

Jun 29

After years of battling alcoholism, Steven ultimately lost his life to liver failure in 2019. His wife, Carole, confesses to me, “I was relieved. I know that’s part of the whole grief process. I was relieved and I was just hoping that something would change. That FINALLY he would get some help.”

“Relief” is not a common feeling when we’re talking about grieving the loss of a loved one.

But, like in Carole’s situation and for so many other widows, when you lose your loved one to substance abuse and addiction, you have already spent a significant amount of time, maybe eve years, watching your loved one battle their own demons, suffer the physical symptoms of addiction, and ultimately lose their ability to function in society and lose their life in the end. You have witnessed firsthand their demise. You have been through one of the most traumatic experiences that a person can go through.

And, like Carole, you did EVERYTHING you could do for your loved one. You said EVERYTHING that could possibly be said to that person to pull them away from their addiction.

But it wasn’t enough.

And that’s frustrating.

And that’s infuriating, too.

The surviving widow is then left with an uncomfortable mix of emotions that we can’t always explain or even understand ourselves.

Are you angry? Absolutely!

Why couldn’t they beat it for you?

Why didn’t they feel like your family was motivation enough for them to make a change?

Why couldn’t they do what they needed to do to overcome it for your kids?

Why couldn’t they see a potential for a beautiful life together like you did?

Are you sad? Most certainly.

This person was your love and soul mate and a part of you. And now that life that you were supposed to have together, that vision of the perfect happy couple, will no longer exist. It can’t ever be the way you wanted it to be. And that’s heartbreaking.

Are you relieved? Yes, but you would probably never say it out loud. You would NEVER want to admit that you’re “relieved” that someone you loved so dearly has died.

Of course not!

That relief you feel is a real and raw emotion, whether you want to admit it or not. And, like all other emotions we encounter along this grief journey, it should never be ignored or brushed aside.

On top of all of those other emotions, you then feel guilty for feeling relief.

But, feeling guilty about something implies that you did something wrong. Or you did something hurtful to someone on purpose.

So, let me ask you this:

Did you care for and love your person until the very end? Yes. I’m sure you did.

Did you do everything in your power to the best of your ability at that time to help your spouse until the very end? Yes. You did.

Will you miss having to be on edge all the time, wondering what each day will bring with the unpredictability of addiction? No, you will not.

In episode 56 of Widow 180: The Podcast, Carole talks to me about coming home after work to find her that husband had left the stove on. And coming home in the afternoon and finding the front door wide open and the dog missing. She never knew what she was going to come home to find. She was scared to go home and walk into her own house, in fear of what she might be faced with.

Will you miss the pain and anguish and heartache of seeing your spouse suffer from battling those addiction demons? No. No you won’t.

Relief is not something to hide or be ashamed of. You have experienced and endured an extraordinary amount of trauma. So, my suggestion is to go easy on yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

It’s okay that you feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.

It’s okay that you feel like you can finally breathe again.

It’s okay that you feel, dare I say, a sense of freedom.

If these are the thoughts running through your mind and if these are the thoughts that are making you feel guilty, I encourage you to try this exercise.

Write this down.

Repeat it to yourself daily.

Tell yourself this:

“I’m relieved that this season of our lives is now over. That horrific period of time is over and done with. I am not relieved that my husband has died. I’m not relieved that he is gone, but I am relieved that he is no longer suffering.”

It’s this subtle shift in perspective, this mindset shift, that can make all of the difference in the world! Focus on the relief of that period of time being over and not relief that your loved one is no longer here.

Were you married to someone who struggled with substance abuse and addiction?

Can you relate to everything Carole has been through?

I would love to hear your unique experience with relief guilt.